Thursday, October 30, 2008


I stand corrected. A few weeks ago I wrote that cows and their poopies lead to global warming. While sitting around the Eichelberger family dinner table last night they explained that methane actually comes from a cows mouth.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Welfare Ham

The Welfare Square senior missionaries were very kind. They allowed me to browse their job search database and they gave me information about upcoming meetings that will be attended by recruiters. It turned out that the missionary assigned to me served a mission with his wife in the Dominican Republic, so we had a little something in common to talk about. I told him my background and previous work experience, my dreams, aspirations and frustrations. And he might've even listened.

I love the mission of the employment center and the dedication put into it, but after an hour on their computer I realized that I could do the same thing on my own computer. I told my missionary friend that I had better be on my way. I said "thank you", we said our goodbyes and with my sights set on the front door I made a mad dash. Half way there I heard someone shout, "Matt!" "Oh, no," I thought. I turned around and my sweet old missionary friend came hobbling toward me with a giant grin on his face. He said, "I have something perfect for you, I think you'd better take a look!" I have to admit that I was a little excited and cheery thoughts of business connections and insta-good jobs scrambled through my greedy mind. Maybe my missionary friend was impressed by me, maybe my charisma and good looks had won him over, maybe? "This opportunity just came through," said Missionary. "What was it?" I wondered. My golden first professional job, I just knew that my months of hard work and job searching had finally paid off.

Missionary Friend could hard contain his excitement and like chilled gravy the words oozed from his mouth, "Honey Baked Ham is looking for seasonal employees beginning in mid-November!" His words pierced me like a dagger to the heart. Yet, somehow I love that old missionary even a little more for thinking me the perfect candidate as a temporary Honey Baked Ham "sampler."

I told him I would consider the opportunity.

This is the Place?

I moved. I left Troutdale and am currently residing on my sister's couch in Salt Lake City, Utah. I wasn't making anything happen in Oregon and decided two days before the move that a quick change was necessary. Rash decision: typical. Me in Utah: weird. So far though it has been, well, alright. I have visited a few old friends, some Mormon sites, and, gulp, Welfare Square.

Yes, it's true, in my desperation for a paycheck I jumped in the car to ask the pro's for a little guidance. The good news was I didn't even use my navigation device to find the place, I just followed my nose toward what I've determined was sauerkraut, diaper and hot dumpster; aka bum. I was actually excited to hop in the breadline with my homeless friends, after all there's really nothing quite like being the meat in a bum sandwich.

After a bit I cringed and realized my homelessness and that I had a little b.o.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Fly

I am being tormented by a fly. No, not just any fly, the single largest specimen I've ever crossed paths with. I've been in some pretty fly infested places but never before has a fly treated me as this one has today. This afternoon I was watching TV and I found myself distracted by the great beast. I tried to shew him outside but there was no budging this fly on a mission. Later in the day I found myself on the treadmill only to be attacked by the fly mid run. Mind you this fly is unlike any other, it goes for the face, the eyes especially. I eventually forgave and forgot, out of sight out of mind I guess, but this evening as I was downloading some new tunes in my bedroom he returned. The fly, circling me, diving for the computer screen made a comeback and I turned to darker removal methods than I'd like to admit, but I was desperate. I rolled a towel and went into attack mode swatting, jabbing and kicking, however, to my horror he was unbeatable. I had had it when I went to the bathroom for some water and heard his low pitched buzz follow me in, enough was enough and I made a run for the bedroom, quickly slammed the door and was sure the enemy had been beaten, finally I lost him. Was I ever wrong. Not long after the assumed defeat I heard the fly repeatedly bashing into the door from the other side and it wasn't seconds before he crawled beneath it back into the bedroom. I went downstairs not long ago for a late night snack, guess who followed. My dad even battled the demon. No luck. I went upstairs to watch TV, he followed. I went back to the bathroom to brush my teeth, guess who. I shut him in the bathroom, shut my bedroom door, I'm in bed, guess who sits on my window sill.


Fly, where have you flown from?
Fly, flutter on back to wherever it is you've come.
Fly, your pestering has thrown me into a haze.
Fly, isn't your lifespan no more than three days?
Fly, you crept beneath my door.
Fly, you're so large your buzz is more like a roar.
Fly, you've a pair of eerie red eyes.
Fly, I mistook you for a bat because of your great size.

In other news, I'm moving tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tuesdays With Matty

Yesterday I went for a walk/hike to one of my regular spots in the Columbia River Gorge, Wahclella Falls, and for some reason in was extra awesome. It's a real quick, short hike, easily accessed and the vistas are ridiculous. I didn't arrive to the trail head until about 5:00 p.m. and found the place completely vacant. Rare. The air was cold and crisp, the leaves were colorful, it was definitely autumn. I couldn't stop taking photos of it all.

On another note, in 2009 I will slowly run my first marathon. I promise.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Coin collecting, really? wtf? I think I forgot to mention that I'm going a little bit crazy at home.

My Dirty Piece of Rome

Even though it was a confident late night ebay purchase followed by a flood of regret, I couldn't help but feel the excitement by the arrival of my lot of uncleaned Ancient Rome coins today. Snugly packaged in manila and masking tape they sat suffocating in 1,500 years of dirt build up. Immediately I bathed them in soap and warm water followed by a toothbrush scrub and rinse. To my satisfaction stamped faces are visible on all five coins along with other details that show clearly in good light. This trip isn't over yet though, right now they sit soaking for another three days in olive oil that precedes another round of rinsing, scrubbing and detailing. Pictures will be up soon. I'm such a coin collector now.

For the confused see my last entry.

Monday, October 6, 2008


It just so happens that I watch a little TV at night and occasionally I even cruise the Internet, so sue me. The problem is my mind gets a little kooky during the late hours and my ability to make rational decisions becomes a bit obscured. Just think about it for a second, what is on late at night? Answer: infomercials, and I eat them up. And even though the Internet doesn't dazzle me the way the 'mercials do I always seem to make my way over to Ebay, that sneaky money-sucking mistress. It so happens that when the moon is shining EVERYTHING seems like the bargain of a lifetime. Either I have to call within the next two minutes or throw a number down while the bidding is still hot.

I did everything in my power to avoid placing that bid three nights ago but at 1:00 a.m. I HAD TO HAVE those five "High Quality Uncleaned Ancient Roman Coins W/ Bonus!" After all, who could resist?

Looking back now though I must admit that this was certainly a better bargain than the "Perfect Pushup."