Saturday, May 30, 2009

Witches in May

This house wasn't like most. From afar it appeared normal but as I closed in on it I realized that instead of the common "Welcome" decal on the door this one read, "Leave your brooms at the door". Additionally, the ever present floral wreath hanging on the door hugged within its hole a five point star creating a pentagram. No doubt about it, I was at the home of a real life witch. Eureka! Believe it or not I'm no stranger to witchery, in fact while working the graveyard shift at an old folks home after high school I was often on shift with a practicing Wiccan called Janessa, who made a constant effort at converting me (hence my aforementioned pentagram realization). I knew only one thing, I HAD to knock on her door.

I made my way up the walkway, through weeds, past potted herbs, overflowing ashtrays, past a broom and by porcelain frogs. I knocked and a gaggle of dogs let loose on the other side of the door howling, barking, snarling and scratching. Someone was coming, shrieking at the dogs to shut up and move out of the way. And then she opened the door, but just a crack. I said the only thing I could think to say in my moment of panic and excitement, "How many you got back there?" (dogs, that is) To which she responded, "Five." "Oh." I said. I surprised myself next when from my mouth spilled, "So are you a witch, or what?" In her smoky bark she replied, "Some people call me that," "Oh, that's cool," I squeaked. She questioned, "Do you need something?" Do I need something? DO I NEED SOMETHING? My mind let loose imagining the precious treasures a witch could possibly offer; potions, spells, herbs, frog eyes, Hansel and/or Gretal with or without a side of gingerbread, tiger tears, ghouls, cauldrons, invisibility cloaks, Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, black flame candles, fairy dust and the likes, the options are virtually endless. Keeping cool nonchalantly said I to her, "No. Just curious is all." Without so much as a thought she slammed what little crack of door she opened for me and I went on my merry way satisfied with having met a real life, genuine, first class, primetime, grade-A witch (for the second time, I guess). At least I know where to go next time I'm in the market for some witching goods.

Later on my drive home I passed a farm where I spotted grazing in its fields at least three buffalo. REAL LIFE BUFFALO and a REAL LIFE WITCH! What a day.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Another noteworthy discovery from my southern adventure travel log:

"I have officially driven through Arkansas and found that people actually live here! It's a place where people live and eat and *thrive just like they do everywhere else in the country. Besides and in addition to my own observations, according to the East Indian man working at the EconoLodge it's 'a very nice place.' Weird, huh? Who would've thought, certainly not I."


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Tennessean Tales

I met a woman the other day called Frankie. She lost 98 pounds and won the Biggest Loser competition at her local gym in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. I told her about my plans to attend graduate school in Arizona this fall, she became excited and told me that I absolutely had to meet her daughter. To my delight her daughter, Tina, shortly thereafter arrived and Frankie yelled, "Tina, get over here! This here is Matt, he's buyin' up some property in Arizona." I shot a confused look at Frankie and apparently impressed by my sudden status as a soon-to-be land owner Tina licked her lips and questioned, "Oh, really? Is it oceanfront? I love the beach"

Saturday, May 9, 2009


"Why Nashville?" you ask. Well, how else am I supposed to break into the country music scene and become the next big superstar? Riddle me this. Haters.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Nashville: day 2

The Request:
(Posted on craigslist Nashville)

Seeking: 1 Stuffed ARMADILLO - $25

Dear Tennessee,

I just moved to Nashville from Phoenix and was amazed by the amount of armadillos (live and dead) I passed driving through Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas and Tennessee. It kind of blew my mind. Is there anybody who catches these little guys or collects roadkill to stuff (the more intact ones of course)? I've done a little Googling and found they're quite expensive to buy from a professional taxidermist and they're completely unavailable on craigslist and ebay. I need your help, maybe you received one as a gag gift years ago and are looking to get rid of it, well then I'm your guy. Perhaps you're looking to consolidate your belongings, I'll help you out. Or is there some sort of coloring contest or raffle I can enter to perhaps try my luck at winning one? You could even be a taxidermist in need a little help with odd jobs around the shop in exchange for one, the options are endless. I just want a stuffed armadillo to display in my house. Actually, I need one. I'm being 100% serious so please let me know thanks.


The Response:
(Received via email)

I actually do have an old stuffed armadillo. The tip of its tail is broken, but is still attached & could be fixed.
You didn't say where in/around Nashville you live. I'm in West Meade.
If this isn't a joke & you really want this armadillo, email me back & we can make arrangements.

The Result:
(Received as a gift from generous Nashville native, Peggy)


Monday, May 4, 2009

Southern Comfort: More From Craigslist

The south has been a constant treat and I've only just arrived. I've come to learn that no matter the city, craigslist is sure to entertain, Tennessee is no exception. I found this today:

Hunter/gatherer/fisherman from the Northern woods, now living in the big city of Nashville with nowhere to hunt besides WMA's and can't afford the extra permits this year. This is how I get almost ALL my meat (and most of my other food as well).

In exchange for letting me hunt, fish, or gather edible wild plants/mushrooms on your land within the prescribed seasons, I'll hook you up with up to half the meat (or other food products) I take, and if interested, you can cherry pick the hides or other animal parts. I'll leave alone anything you ask me to (as in "You can hunt squirrel but not quail" or "Go ahead and take the chicken mushrooms but leave the morels alone").

I'm also an unapologetic redneck so if it's coyotes, groundhogs, beaver, rattlesnakes, or any other "unwanted vermin" you have on your farm or other land and want taken care of, I'll be able to get PLENTY of use out of it if you don't want em.

Email me if you're interested; Lord knows I am.

How incredible is this, really? Before finding it I did a little Nashville craigslisting of my own and came out anything but empty handed. A personal southern style encounter awaits you...(ok, let's be real, I'm gonna post it in the next hour or so. I have nothing to do.)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

on the road again

I'm in Nashville. Maybe to stay for the summer. A total dream.

(she's my neighbor)