Monday, September 14, 2009


Three weeks ago I went to church for the first time in Flagstaff. During the Elder's quorum class one kid particularly stood out. I can't remember his name but as this story unravels imagine the love child of Mr. Burns (with hair) from the Simpson's and Gollum from Lord of the Rings. OK, not that awkward, but really quite hunched and bony for an 18 year-old. He introduced himself as an incoming freshman from Phoenix then quickly sat down, only to stand right back up and add that if anyone in the congregation was interested and had "about six or seven hours free one day" he would love to host a hearty game of Risk. My soul dwindled a little bit in that moment mostly because I knew there were probably a fair amount of guys in the room looking forward to taking him up on such a generous offer.

Yesterday I went to church again. The third hour class arrived and I took a seat in the middle row. Just after sitting that same boy was the next to walk in and sit almost right in front of me. He turned around to face me and the following conversation erupted:

Boy: Did you shave your head so we wouldn't know that you're balding? You are balding, right?

Me: (completely thrown off and a bit shocked) I, uh. ha.

Boy: I'm glad I don't have that problem.

Me: I like to cut it (unable to fully explain the haircut I had given myself the night before) sho(rt)....

Boy: (talking over me) My grandpa started losing his hair at 26 and it never came back. He's completely bald now. I don't know what I'll do if I have that same problem. How old are you? How old were you when you started balding?

Me: (staying calm and nervously laughing. completely aware that the room was near full and all ears were listening in on the conversation I was pitifully losing) I'm obviously balding and I like to cut it short because I think it looks better like this. I've accepted my baldness, it doesn't bother me too much.

Boy: (shaking his head sympathetically for my unfortunate condition) Man, that sucks! I just don't know what I would do. That would be so hard (leaning in to inspect my scalp).

Me: (leaning away. red-faced and panicky, looking around for some quick support. Locating the other bald guy in the room whose eyes quickly avoided mine) It's not a big deal, really. Everyone loses their hair eventually. It doesn't bother me.

Boy: I just really hope I never go bald.

Me: I kind of hope you do. Now.


Meagan said...

hahahahaha Sorry Matt thats akward. I think the only way to pay him back for the uncomfortable conversation is to take him up on the game of Risk ... and beat him, badly.

Taylor said...

you just attract the strangest people. maybe if you had longer hair you would attract more normal people. just kidding.

i like the short hair cut, let's not forget the unfortunate hair situation of freshman year: first long, then bleached/dreaded, then almost black(?) just use that as your excuse for why it's short. say that you had an unfortunate incident with dying your hair, and you wanted to shave it because it was fried...

laura said...

Hilarious, and awkward.

Name That Tune! said...

And um, is that laura my mom???

Emmie {orange + barrel} said...

I feel very confident that he will never get laid.

Jed and Kaydence said...

Ok, so you don't really know me, but I'm Kolin's sister and he gave me a link to your blog, which makes me laugh.

Anyway, my husband/lover/friend hereafter to be known as Jed got called as 1st counselor in the Elder's Quorum and on Sunday, a counselor from the Stake Presidency comes to set him apart in front of all the priesthood in the ward. The counselor is short, plump and bald as a cue ball.

Jed happens to have a tiny little bald spot we lovingly refer to as Skippy. So Jed sits down and the counselor goes to give the blessing and stops before he puts his hands down and says "Your head is starting to look like mine!" And right before he starts Jed says "I like it, it makes me look regal."

So yeah. Just tell this kid you're regal. He'll shut right up. No one can argue with regal.

Marni said...

Matt you are darling. I love your look. I think your hair is perfect as is.

love ya

Nikki said...

eww, what a a bratty little perv. Asking you all sorts of uncomfortable questions like that. And leaning in for an inspection! Who does that!??? I like your hair! At least your not hunch-backed!! (and what I imagine zitty...?) ha ha